If you’re of a certain age – say, between 45 and 55, these experiences might sound familiar:
- You collect your mail, and atop the pile is an invitation to join AARP. Into the trash it goes, unread: “AARP is for old people, not me,” you think.
- Conversations with ambitious young co-workers leave you feeling a combination of amusement and relief: “I’m so done with that game. I just want to do good work that helps people.”
- You watch your kids leave home with a mixture of grief and (guilty?) joy: “I’ll miss you, but I can’t wait to do what I want this weekend!”
You’ve been through these – and similar – situations. And although you might think they’re unique to you, they aren’t. In fact, they’re pretty common among people of your age group. If you’re in midlife, then you are in transition. You’ve completed many life tasks. Your children are being (or have been) launched into the world. You’ve built a career, and now you’re thinking about winding it down, or even changing careers for something more personally meaningful. You may be evaluating your relationships, your accomplishments, and your place in the community. You’re probably taking the measure of your life, and thinking about dreams accomplished, dreams deferred, and dreams still to be. Most importantly: even though you are no longer young, you’re certainly not ready to be “old.” (“My parents are old, not me!” you think.)
Eight stages of life
Why does this happen? Erik Erikson, the great psychoanalyst, argued that everyone passes through eight life stages, beginning with infancy and ending in maturity. Each of these stages, he believed, is characterized by a central conflict (a “crisis”) which each person must resolve as they move through life. For Erikson, the crisis faced in midlife is one in which you find yourself thinking more and more about the legacy you will leave behind for your children, your community, your nation, your people.
This means that you might find yourself suddenly re-evaluating your life. You may find that, as your children grow up and move away, active, day-to-day parenting is no longer part of your life: what do you do with all that time, energy, and those nurturing impulses? Your primary relationship – whether in marriage or otherwise – may suddenly feel unstable and strained as each of you grow and evolve. Or, a career that once seemed thrilling and fulfilling now might feel shallow or meaningless. Where once you were focused on striving for status, power, and money, you now find yourself thinking about ways to give back, to use all you’ve earned to help those who will follow. Plus, while you’re not old, you are beginning to realize that you can’t do some things you used to. Your body just isn’t a strong, or quick to heal, as it once was, and you have to work harder to stay healthy. Your priorities are changing.
You’re not alone
Here’s the thing: in our culture, in the 21st Century, we all do this, but we all do it alone. We each tend to believe we are the only ones facing these, and other, shifts in thinking, expectations, and goals. We’re not. Everyone faces some or all of these challenges. They’re normal – in fact, it is predictable that each of us will struggle with these issues as we pass through this life stage.
And since we’re not alone, we can get help. We can learn how to cope from those who have already been there. Find support and sharing with those who going through it as we do. These challenges may be common and predictable, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. They can be difficult and painful, even though in the end they can leave us feeling fulfilled, content, happy.
Getting help
So, you’re asking, “Where can I find help?” The best place to start is probably with your friends. Talk to them, share your experiences and feelings, and you’ll quickly discover they are in the same place as you. You can learn from their thoughts, their experiences, as they can learn from you. Perhaps most important, it feels good to know you the challenges you’re facing, and the way they affect you, are normal.
Experts have weighed in, too, on these transitions. Two books that can help you understand your experiences are The Big Shift: Navigating The New Stage Beyond Midlife by Marc Freedman, and Composing a Further Life: The Age of Active Wisdom, by Mary Catherine Bateson. Similarly, you can look for information on the Internet, including at Encore.org and Psychology Today. You can also reach out to fellow middle-agers on social networking sites.
If these resources aren’t enough, you may consider getting professional help; a good therapist can work with you to help clarify your thinking, understand your feelings, and healthfully navigate these transitions. But no matter what, remember that what you’re going through is expected; everyone faces some version of your experience. It may seem scary and difficult, but ultimately you can get through it.
(Article originally published at LifeAfter50.com)